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The Great Chronicle of Suckage

I have done a lot of stupid things in my life. Many of these events have led me to believe my suckage is no ordinary suckage. My suckage is grand beyond imagining, such that poets will some day be moved to verse to express just how lousy I am.  That is, if by poets you mean drunken red necks, and if by verse you mean vomiting into a ditch to form a puddle of stale and partially digested Budwieser that vaguely resembles a monkey whose been beaten about the face and head with a blunt stick, since that is more or less what I look like.

Below is a collection of COMPLETELY TRUE stories from my life. Before reading, please take a moment to realize that if I were making this up, I would be creative.  I am not creative.  I simply have no shame.